Willpower.

I have none. Zero. My willpower is about as strong as a Shirley Temple. Lucky for me I was born with a high-ish metabolism and have never had a drug problem. I was, however, born with an extreme penchant for chocolate and peanut butter. The second I met my first Reese's peanut butter cup it imprinted on me. (Yes, folks, that was a fantastically dorky Twilight reference. You are welcome.)

For the most part this addiction is manageable. I avoid my triggers. Candy aisles, convenience stores and vending machines. Then it happens. Before I can say "no thank you" Halloween is thrust upon me with arms full of the creme de la creme, Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins. Those little bastards are my personal kryptonite. And to make matters worse I am encouraged to buy them in bulk for the "trick-or-treaters". This year I tried to trick myself. I would only buy a little more than what I needed for Halloween. I would budget my stash.

200+ costume clad candy beggars later and I was wiped clean. No private stash. Gone. I had not bought enough for me and them and they wouldn't stop ringing the bell until I gave in. (Side note, I think wars should be fought with doorbells and candy, just an idea..) I had mixed emotions. No more pb pumpkins meant my jeans would fit and I would be left with a little self respect. On the other hand I HAD NO MORE PB PUMPKINS.

A couple days after the great candy upset I found myself wandering the aisles of Target. Paper towels, toilet paper, and, what's this, marked down Halloween candy?!?! Out went any self control and in went bags of peanut buttery goodness. And, since I was already on an out of control downward spiral why not treat myself to a 4,000 calorie Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks? Blueberry muffin, too. I was on a one way train to elastic waist pants anyway. Might as well go down in a blaze of glory.

Why am I telling you this. For a couple reasons. First, I love you and do not want to see you make the same mistakes as me. Avoid Target and never underestimate how many candy beggars will show up at your front door. Second, public shaming is all I have left to try and get me to gain control. Will it work you ask? No. No, it will not. I had a shaved head and wore all black for an entire year of high school. If that didn't publicly shame me into anything than neither will this. And the third and final reason I am telling you this is so that the next time you see me and there is a giant Reese's (Or Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts) advertisement across my rear it is because I have decided to make my ever expanding real estate profitable. I need cash to afford the peanut butter trees, mint hot chocolate and peppermint mocha's coming into season. Those seasonal, red Starbucks cups come at a premium.