Changes

 *A version of this was posted a couple months ago on my old blog. It seems as though everyone is either pregnant or just had a baby. I felt like I needed to rewrite this to not only to share my journey but to help remind myself of it.*

It happens every few months here in New England. There is a shift in the air. It starts as a cool breeze or a warm ray of sunshine. Tiny details transform into something completely different. Leaves fade from green to yellow to red then brown. The grass slows its growth, birds head south. The green lush landscape is replaced with beautiful crystalline white. Before we are fully aware, the seasons change completely. Just as beautiful as the last one but completely different.

Change is good and without it life would become stagnant, stale. Sometimes it happens as naturally as the seasons and other times it takes an outside force to enact it. I have gone through many changes in my years here. From baby to girl to woman. I am barely the same person I was 15 years ago. Many factors have contributed to these changes but none so profound as the past year of my life.

There has never been doubt in my mind that we would go on to have another baby. After our daughter was born we talked and decided that we would love to have our children close together. Two years apart was our ideal. So, a few months after her first birthday we started trying. I got pregnant quickly. Three months later I lost the baby. We were devastated but refused to let it slow us down. We kept trying. One year, three miscarriages and no new baby later here we are.

I put on a brave face and say things like "when the time is right it will happen" and "at least I have my daughter". But, the reality is, I miss those babies that I never got to meet. I mourn not having ever feel them kick, giving birth to them or holding them.

I just read an article recently that talked about some new findings. Researchers have proved that every time a woman becomes pregnant, regardless of the length of pregnancy or outcome, the fetus’ cells become a part of the mother’s body long after she has given birth or miscarried. This means that every baby changes the mother.  She is no longer the same at a cellular level.

These findings gave me comfort. I may never have been able to hold these babies but they will always be with me and I am changed because of all four of them (we had a loss before our daughter). This change is not just cellular. I feel like a different person. I try to remember that time brought me these changes, this sadness. Time will also help soothe it.

I do not take one second with our daughter  for granted. I try to laugh as often as possible. I try to soak in every idiosyncrasy of being a 2-year-old. Listening to her say "I love you" and sing me her favorite song make me strive to be a better person. The messy, noisy, chaos reminds me of how lucky we are to have her.

Like the changing of raindrops to snowflakes, I cannot pin-point the moment I changed. I don’t know if I am done. All I know is that our dream of having another baby is still the same. And, for now, we are still trying to make that dream a reality. In the interim I find comfort in our life, our love and our daughter. This beautiful, smart, funny and completely awesome little girl who changed me more than anything in the world.