No Longer Insecure

I used to spend a lot of time focusing on my "flaws." I would pick apart every dimple and bulge. I would hide my smile and cover my body. Internally I would chastise myself for not changing the things I despised. How could I be so lazy?

Then, I grew up. My body, with all of it's self perceived flaws, produced a healthy, happy baby girl. I walked out of the birthing center weighing more than I ever had. I didn't care. It would come off, eventally. And if it didn't, well, that was ok, too. It was time to drop the insecurities. The were petty and took up far too much space in my brain.

My confession? I do not allow myself to focus on the common insecurities that are supposed to come with being a woman.

You hear it in the media, you hear it from you friends, your mother, your sisters. As a woman you are expected to be insecure. It is part of the package. Double X chromosomes, breasts, uterus and a whole heapload of insecurites. Congratulations, you are a girl.

I fell prey to that way of thinking for far too long. It was exhausting. At one point I was a size 0. ZERO. That isn't even a number. And get this, I thought I was chubby. I hated my thighs, my hips, my butt. The parts that fit into those impossibly small jeans. I would beat myself up for not exercising more. I would step on the scale and find myself not wanting to leave the house. Why? Because I was supposed to. If I had found myself attractive or loved the size I was, I would have been chasized for having too large an ego.

Too large an ego? Is that even a real thing? How can a person possibly love themselves too much? We are all deserving of the biggest love we can comprehend, shouldn't we start, set a precedent, by loving ourselves first? I say we should embrace our egos. Nurture them and let them grow. Be proud of who we are.

As I watch my daughter dance in the mirror, proclaiming her own beauty, I wonder if she will lose that quality? If she will ever look into a mirror and despise what she sees? The thought of that breaks me. How am I supposed to teach her to love herself, to not develop insecurities, if I am bogged down with my own? I can't. So, instead of faking it, trying to teach something I had yet to learn, I took a long hard look at myself.

I have a loving and adoring husband. He tells be how beautiful I am all the time. Why should I call him a liar? Why should my absolute trust in him falter with that statement? The fact is, he loves me for me, completely. My daughter adores me. Her face lights up when I walk into the room.  Hearing that tiny voice say, "I love you mommy," is amazing. Neither of them ever add, "despite your flaws." They see me. All of me. They love me.

I decided it was time to love myself back. I embraced my curves and stopped criticizing my body. I stopped going over myself with a fine tooth comb, searching for things to feel insecure about. I took a step back and looked at me. All of me. What I discovered is what I hope you all discover. I am pretty amazing. I may have days I feel less than, but I will not let those days define me. I will no longer live my life with the voice of insecurity directing my thoughts.

I will embrace me, because this body, this life, is all that I have and I want to enjoy it to the fullest.