Letting Go

Some days are easier than others. Sometimes the darkness over comes me. I fight against my instinct to hide. To crawl into bed and sleep through it. Instead, I reach out. I write. I empty my dark, heavy emotions onto the computer screen and into the ears of those who love me.

Much to my surprise, I nearly immediately feel better. The pressure valve to my brain is released. The fog that takes up residence in my head, making my brain nearly useless, starts to lift.

I am able to see a little clearer. I am able to listen to advice without feeling hateful towards the well-intentioned giver. I am able to actually listen. And one time, I heard something I needed to hear:

“Expectations are our worst enemy.”

If I am to let go of expectations, of how my day should be, how my daughter should behave, how my life should look, I will end up being less hard on myself.

I cannot express how right on that advice was. I do need to let go of expectations. Disappointment leads directly to frustration for me. That, in turn, quickly dissolves into anger and sadness and depression. If I stop it at the root, I will save myself from a lot of darkness.

My expectations used to be in black and white. Good or bad. Ok was never an option. Now I am trying to revel in the grey. Letting go of the notion of right or wrong and embracing neutrality.

I am also embracing the moments. I am focused on right now, not what I think should happen next. All I have is now, today, this second. I have come to love these small moments, even if they are not the ones I planned or envisioned. Most of the time, when I finally let go, when I finally put my expectations behind me, beauty happens. Moments I could never dream of occur.

Moments like, “You are the best mommy I could ever dream of. I love you.”

I will not allow the darkness to take that away from me.