Putting The Me In Meltdown

As parents you are inundated with opinions. Most of which are presented as fact. It is hard to sift through it all in a hormone induced fog. Parent shaming hides behind a veil of childhood advocacy. The loudest voices shout when you are not a perfect image of a peaceful, serene mother.

I am not a peaceful serene mother and those voices have worn me down.

I have spent the past 38 months beating myself up. I can't find my zen in the midst of a tantrum. I raise my voice. I occasionally implement time outs. And, when I need a break from it all, I turn on the television.

Cue the sanctimonious gasps.

I love my daughter with all that I am and sometimes I need a break. I am positive she does too. We are human. I don't need anyone to remind me how precious life is and how I shouldn't take her for granted. That is not helpful when we are on our ninth hour of whining. My annoyance does not equate indifference or lack of love. Thank you for making me feel awful, dear stranger, but, no thank you.

I feel like I live under a shroud of good intentions that lead to disappointment. I feel like I never do it right and everyone else is not only doing it better but with way more enthusiasm. Subscribe to any peaceful parenting blog or read any one of the thousand comments on Facebook and you will quickly feel what I am feeling. Complete failure.

I do my best to not loose my cool. To stay level headed while my child is throwing her fourth tantrum. I try to talk her down off the ledge but quite frankly, I am barely balancing on it myself. I have tried the act of diverting her attention from whatever may be triggering her raging anger. I have tried to hold her while she works out her big feelings. I have tried to tell her that it is ok, I understand how she feels (I really do!). Each tactic has failed me in it's own unique way. What have I been doing wrong?

The other day was a rough one. We had errands to run and she had energy to get out. The two needs collided in an epic showdown in Target.

....And in this corner, worn down by years of sleep deprivation and far too much caffeine coursing through her jittery veins, weighing in at more than she cares to admit..... Mommy!!!

And in the other corner, with fire in her eyes and a need for every toy imaginable in her heart, weighing in at 30 pounds....... The kiddo!!!!!

Let's keep the fight clean, ladies.....DING DING!!!

Then it hit me, why am I fighting my child so hard. Why am I fighting my feelings even harder? To prove to the better-than-you mommies out there that I am one of them? I don't even want to be one of them!!!

I realized that I need a break, to take a time out. I don't need to do it all and I have nothing to prove to anyone. I am a far better parent when I have had some time to myself than I could ever be while stressed and spread thin. Every other job on the planet has some sort of vacation time. Time away from the office to collect yourself and hit that reset button.

I called my husband and he happily agreed to take our daughter for a couple hours. I headed to a friend's house feeling lighter than I had in months. Why didn't I do this sooner? Why couldn't I stand up for my needs and express them before it came to dual meltdowns in fromt of the Starbucks barista?

I think it is because the voices that are the loudest are the ones telling you that you are doing it wrong. I rarely hear another mom say, "Today was rough, I needed a break so I dropped the kiddo of with someone and took some much needed me time." As moms we are lead to believe that the moment we conceive our children we are insta-martyrs. We no longer have our own wants and needs. We are here for our children and our children alone. We will have time to ourselves when they are grown but for now, while they are small, we need to drop everything that makes us who we are and be there for them.

I let it slip to someone I thought would understand that I needed a break. "I just need to be alone for a few hours. I love her but man, do I need some time away." The other woman's reply was shock.

"Oh! I would have never expected that from you!!"

Oh the shame. The mommy shame.....

We all need a break. All of us. Even the Zen mommies. I adore my daughter but do not want to lose myself in the process of trying to help her discover who she is. I have see far too many woman at their breaking point (I include myself) unable to ask for help. Too ashamed to talk about it.

I am lucky to have a supportive husband. I am so lucky to be able to tag him in and leave the ring. I have all that, yet, I still feel guilt. Deep rooted guilt that I am not enjoying being at home making seasonal crafts I found on Pinterest. Guilt that my daughter's room doesn't look like it came out of a Pottery Barn catalog. Guilt that I sometimes don't want to hear her story, for the fifth time in a row.

I feel guilt as I type all this.

I am doing it though. I am admitting to it and dealing with it. I am taking some time for myself more often. Why? For me. For my daughter. For every other woman, trying her best to do the right thing for her child but feeling like a complete failure when she can't keep up with the Smith-Jones'.

Here is to dropping the guilt and picking up the phone. To calling our best friends to gossip or vent. To manicures that actually have time to dry and hot coffee finished before it becomes iced. Here is to not hand making a detailed owl costume from organic materials. Here is to last year's store bought Halloween costume that still fits. Here is to Disney Junior and PBS. Here is to happy kids with happy parents. Here is to moms who love their kids so much it hurts. Here is to you, you who are doing your very very best.

Here is to us.