Happy, New Year.

Letting go. Breathing deep.

Finding myself amongst the chaos and noise.

Opening my eyes and looking up. Only glancing back for perspective.

Believing in me without comparison.

This year has brought with it a lot of changes and even more lessons. As the hours wind down and the calendar changes, I find myself in a place where I am happy.

Happy.

Such a small word for how much weight is bears. People spend their entire lives in the pursuit of happiness. Movies and book after book about how to attain this basic emotion. Billions of dollars worth of pharmaceuticals to trick the brain into making you believe, yes, you are happy.

My inner struggle with happiness is one I will never win or lose. My emotions are too close to the surface and easily influenced. Happy tears quickly become tears of fear. Laughter silenced with the thought of the worse case.

It is a myth I have always wanted to believe to be true. But experience had taught me otherwise. Life had tainted my faith. I believed what I saw and allowed it to carry me further from happiness.

My answer to the age old question, "What do you want out of life," has always been, to be happy. I will have lived successfully if I die happy. Truly, happy. It is my holy grail.

As I stumbled through this year, my goal seemed even further out of reach.  Obstacle and sadness kept getting thrown in my way. Finally, I stopped fighting. I let go of my goal and turned to another.

Get through today.

Small steps. What I never foresaw was how huge of an impact these tiny, nearly invisible, steps would make. How much ground could be covered when you walk in a series of small, but determined, steps.

After walking forward, eyes on the current moment, for months, I looked around. The chaos had subsided. The obstacles were behind me. I had made it though an extremely rough time, step by step. I had shut out the nay-sayers. I listened solely to my own voice, one that had been so feeble and exhausted. Now, in this clearing it was loud, strong, and determined.

I could see my goal again. My holy grail. Happiness was attainable, it was up to me to get there.

No one was going to hand me happiness. Sure, there were people who brought it into my life but it was up to me to take it. To collect happiness from every person who offered it and leave the ones who didn't'. Walk away from the people who would never let me have it. It was up to me to create happiness in the areas where it was void. Find it hiding in the most unlikely of places.

Find it in myself.

I stumbled into this year unsure of who I was. Being guided through time by other people's expectations. Other's voices. As it comes to an end, I am walking, on my own, directed by my dreams and my ambitions, my voice. I am walking away from a year with gratitude for it's lessons and relief that it is gone. I am walking into the next, armed to the hilt with a better understanding of who I am. 

I may be walking with small steps, but I am covering a lot of ground.