My whole life I have been surrounded by alcoholics. I have watched as strained relationships crumbled and drinking was chosen over friends and futures. I have seen families break and lives destroyed. Shadows of sadness where light once had shone.
I have also been surrounded by people who have no problem with it. They can come home to a glass of wine every night for a week, then go months without so much as a sip. They enjoy it responsibly. They have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Something I know that I will never have. Something I wish so much I could.
I fear alcohol. I fear that I will succumb and fall blindly in love with a crutch that is socially acceptable. Occasionally, I will buy a bottle of rum or vodka. I will make delicious cocktails and have one or two. I sit back and enjoy the warm feeling of relaxation that the drinks always bring. But then, without a doubt, the anxiety will kick in. Fear of losing control of my actions, my thoughts, my words, myself. I dump the drink and vow to not finish the bottle.
On the shelf it sits alone, like a reminder. The half drank bottle, gathering dust from the very air that feels so heavy with anxiety. Why can't I just have a couple drinks and enjoy myself? Why can't I fit in?
I had a friend once who was obviously annoyed that I didn't drink. She was vocal in her disappointment. It is socially accteptable and entirely normal to imbibe. Why shouldn't she be annoyed that I wouldn't partake in an activity she enjoyed? It is a normal part of our society.
Because that is just not how I am built and I know it. I come from a long line of people who use alcohol to cope. To escape. Alcoholism is written in my DNA and there is little I can do about that, except not to drink. I know my brain is wired to self medicate. I have plenty of issues that I would love to forget. It would be so easy to slip into a routine and not get out until I hit bottom.
I am aware of all of these things and chose not to tempt fate. Every drink that passes my lips wakes up a part of me that scares me. A part of me I do not like or recognize. A part of me I do not want to know. I may not be an alcoholic, but I could easily become one. It could take just one more drink. And that is not a risk I am willing to take.
I love this post. PLEASE don't let yourself feel bad for not drinking! It's YOUR business, nobody else's.
ReplyDeleteSo let me raise a glass of juice and say CHEERS & and a very happy new year!
Thank you! Juicebox cheers!! Happy New Year to toy, Tamara!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Just like you, Alcoholism is written in my DNA. My theory is, if I don't drink, I won't have to watch myself become my mother. or grandfather, or father, or uncle.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I missed this earlier this year. But thank you. Alcoholism is written in my DNA also. I make the conscious decision to not drink every day. I have seen what it does to families, relationships, jobs, etc. My x beat the crap out of me because I told him we couldn't afford it. My mother is on antidepressants and mood stabilizers and still chooses to drink. My sisters father was in a coma for 5 days and in the hospital/rehab for 4 weeks, went home and picked the bottle back up. I won't be surprised if he is dead in a year. I watched this same man go thru detox while we were burying his mother. I refuse to be a statistic. I refuse to let my children see what I have seen in my 30+ years. Thank you for verbalizing that I am not alone. *Juice Boxes all around*
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of friends that don't drink for health and dieting reasons. I can tell you they get the most, oddest questions. One friend is 53, never married and she says she gets more questions, side-eye and shade about not drinking then she ever did about not dating/marriage. I don't know why it's odd to people, mayhaps they're just nosey?? But good for you keeping your guard up. Not something you want sneaking up on you! I got an email from the bitters people, I drink but I don't know what bitters are for :)
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