A person’s a person, no matter how small.
- Dr Seuss
- Dr Seuss
"Well, maybe that'll teach you for posting "belly" pictures all over Facebook!"Her words knocked the wind out of me. I felt like I had been kicked, right after being hit by a Mac truck.
I had just told her that I had lost the baby. That I was no longer pregnant. It took every ounce of energy I had to say the words. The words that were met with words that pierced.
I excused myself and headed home. Maybe she was right, I should have known. This was my fourth pregnancy and my third loss. It was all I knew.
But we were so excited, so hopeful. My belly had started to round slightly as the weeks progressed seemingly fine. I always showed early, this one was no different.
We "announced" the pregnancy with a hilarious photo of me and our then 18 month old daughter. It was supposed to be a sweet photo of her sitting above my tiny bump. Instead she arched her back, opened her mouth and let out a hell-hound howl just as my husband hit the shutter. The resulting photo was an upside down, angry baby and a laughing pregnant momma. It was perfect.
Until it wasn't.
We went in for a routine ultrasound. We would finally be able to see our baby. As the OB scanned his face contorted. The baby had stopped growing a few weeks earlier. It's little heart was barely beating enough to make a flicker. Our baby was fading and there was nothing anyone could do.
We mourned. I took the photo down and made a brief statement on my personal page. We started the process of un-telling our friends and family. All while scheduling me for surgery, my body was not letting the baby go. My heart wouldn't either.
The support and love we received kept us going. It lifted us when we were down. Sharing our good news had made going through the impossible, a fraction easier. When it all went wrong, we had people to turn to.
Except her. I thought she was my friend. I thought she would understand. I thought wrong. Her words cut into me so deeply that now, two years later, I still hear them when I see her.
Maybe, just maybe, she didn't mean them to hurt me. Maybe she didn't know what to say. Maybe, in her own way, she was trying to find levity and I wasn't ready to laugh. Regardless, it hurt.
I had another pregnancy that resulted in another loss after that. We didn't tell a soul except my doctor. I couldn't see another set of pitying eyes look at me and not now what to say, or worse yet, say the very very wrong thing. We grieved alone. Away from judgement and opinion.
Words have such a great impact. They can soothe and they can hurt. They can make what should have been a supportive moment between friends into something hurtful and awkward.
In the words of my mom, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I have learned that this simple statement holds more knowledge than I ever gave it credit for. Words have the power to heal and they have the power to stay with someone for years, reminding them of a hurt so deep, it may never fully heal.
Choose your words carefully, you never know what they will do once released.
"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
- A.A. Milne
- A.A. Milne
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I have no words. I'm sorry. I love you. What a four letter word. ((Hugs)).
ReplyDeleteThank you for being here again this Sunday
Thank you. For so much, thank you.
DeleteBeautifully, achingly written.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It still hurts but writing and sharing helps. XOXO
DeleteI'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I think your friend needs a lesson in empathy and tact.
ReplyDeleteI know it is hard to find the right words. I have been through it and I still struggle when someone experiences a loss. However, what she said, in my opinion, should never ever be an option.
DeleteThank you so much for reading and your support. XOXO
I am lost for words...I Love You!!! <3
ReplyDeleteLove you too.
DeleteI have never been through the pain of miscarriage and I always feel so inadequate to comment on these posts but this really touched me and I want to tell you how sorry I am. I cannot imagine such a thoughtless and uncaring response from a friend but sometimes folks just have no tact, no social decency. I wish you well.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sandy, so much! Even having been through it, it is hard to know what to say. What you said, it was perfect. XOXO
DeleteI have been through a similar experience. I lost my *miracle baby* (hubby and I weren't *supposed* to be able to get pregnant the natural way and had gone through AI with OUR first but MY third and yet somehow we managed to get one through), at 16+ weeks. We had waited the obligatory 12 weeks before telling people. It was before FB, so there were no picture to be evidenced. It was a hard, brutal loss. And while I was, for the most part, surrounded by love and support, I had that one person who actually said to me "well this is God's way of telling you you're being selfish. You already have 3 healthy kids, who do you NEED more?"
ReplyDeleteLike you, a good friend. Someone who I had trusted many times and confided in ... and her words knocked me back so soundly that I could not breathe. I still can not look at her with out hearing those words over and over.
I am sorry you had to experience that. Ironically, we ended up pregnant again about 6 weeks later (raging hormones will do that), but I didn't tell anyone until I absolutely had to. Even my children. I couldn't help but wonder if she was right and completely convinced myself that something would go wrong with this pregnancy or this baby would not be healthy because, after all, I didn't deserve that. I was that way through the entire pregnancy ... all the way up to delivery and for many months afterwards. So sad how one persons words can have such a life altering effect on us.
On the flip side, prior to these experiences, I had a friend who went through many rounds of IVF, got pregnant and lost a number of times. One time she called me and I said (thinking I was offering kind, helpful words) "friend, someday you are going to be such a wonderful mommy", to which she replied "Annette, I already am!" - Oh how terrible I felt. I know that my words hurt her badly ... and I understand now as I know that I am the mommy of 4 on earth and 3 in heaven. They are all my babies ... We have recovered and thank God she was eventually able to carry TWO babies to term and has wonderfully amazing kids and is, of course, an amazing mom. I can assure you though, I will never utter words similar to that again! I would like to think that your friend somehow also realizes her mistake, though I agree that her words should have never really been a valid option.
Oh Annette, my heart breaks for you. No matter how many kind and supportive words we hear, it is always the harsh ones that stay with us. I once heard, "Well, guess it just wasn't meant to be." The person thought I would find comfort in that, somehow. As I am sure you know, I didn't. It is a hard situation to be in and even harder to know what to say. I generally tick with, "I am so sorry," and "I love you." Sincerely and followed up with a giant hug.
DeleteI am sending you a giant hug. XOXO
What a rude comment :-(
ReplyDeleteWomen (having ever been pregnant or not) should be more sensitive than that.
So sorry you had to deal not only with losing your baby, but also the disappointing reaction from a jealous "friend". I always wonder how you cope with all the sad elements in your life. You are one amazing lady!
It took us a long time to get pregnant, and when I finally was, I was way too superstitious to tell people until, well, it was obvious. Up until 2-3 weeks before due date, I didn't even shop for baby clothes!
Hugs to you and your family :-)
Some days I don't know how to cope, then I look at my daughter's face and realize that no matter what happens or has happened, she is here, she is mine, and she is amazing. I look at everything I do have, my husband, my home, my life and realize that life is good, it just has sad moments.
DeleteThank you for reading and supporting me! XOXO
I'm so sorry for you loss(es), having been through so many similar experiences I can feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm less upset that your friend said it, unfortunately many of us say things in an emotional moment that are insensitive. What is unbelievable to me is that she seem to get what she'd done, that she didn't immediately and continuously apologize, explain that she was taken by surprise and responded in the worst possible way and make it right.
I think the lack of apology hurt me the most as well. I honestly think she had NO idea that what she said was super hurtful. My guess is she doesn't remember ever saying it.
DeleteLuckily, I have a lot of good people who care deeply. It helps the healing.
Thank you, Karen. XOXO
I have to say I have never experienced the heartbreak you describe here. I cannot possibly comprehend the loss. I have to my eternal discomfort, been unexpectedly on the other side of your story, however. A couple-friend of ours was expecting their fourth child. I love babies, pregnancies, and everything they entail. I kept general tabs on their progress through the facebook posts that went up. The husband was a notorious dry joker who used uncomfortable pauses as an element of his humor. I had gone into work at our coffee shop, where a group of our guy friends went almost every morning before heading into their various offices. My husband was already there working. I had known by a facebook post a week or so prior, that they had an ultrasound to find out what the baby's sex was, but figured I had missed the update with the news somewhere in the mix. So when I saw the husband of the couple, my face lit up immediately and I asked how the ultrasound went. He was uncomfortably silent...his M.O. for a joke set up. So I started laughing, waiting for the punch line. But glancing quickly at my other friends, they were silently violently shaking their heads 'no' at me. Then he dropped the boom. "We lost the baby." My heart literally sank. I was both heartbroken and devastated for my friends. The remembrance of the incident has me in tears again. His look of hollowness and loss will forever haunt me. Stunned, I looked over at my husband, who had known but forgotten to tell me in the craziness of our lives and schedules. In this man's mind, I knew this news and was mocking him. I was horrified to have hurt my friend by laughing, and had no idea how to rectify it. I said how truly sorry I was with all the sincerity and regret that I felt, but will never know if he received the way I delivered it. I carried that horror and sadness around with me for the rest of the day, and still, more than a year later, cannot process it properly. I went over and over it, trying to understand how I could made that moment right, and have never found a solution. I will forever be sorry for it. While I wanted to show sympathy, I never ended up said anything at all to his wife for fear of making some other horrific mistake. Their view of me likely changed forever that day, though I will never know. They moved away recently, but I will forever have that in my brain as one of the singular most distressing moments of my life.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. For you and for them. It is a hard situation. The difference is that you realized your error immediately and apologized. My "friend" never did. Ever.
DeletePregnancy loss is hard for everyone. Everyone. Be gentle with yourself, you are human. I am sure they understand that. XOXO
I'm so sorry for your losses. I cannot even imagine. I'm also sorry for your careless friend who hurt you when you needed her the most. No one ever "deserves" such heartache. I hope she came to realize her mistake.
ReplyDeleteWe ended up drifting apart. Maybe due to this comment, maybe just what was meant to be. Either way, I hope she thinks before speaking if she ever finds herself in a similar situation. Thank you for reading. XOXO
DeleteI'm so sorry sweetie. What a thing to say to someone going through such a terrible loss. You are a better person than me - if someone had said something like that to me after my miscarriage, we wouldn't be friends anymore. I <3 you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. We are not really friends now. Time has drifted us apart and I am ok with that. Thank you for your love and support. XOXO
DeleteYou handle yourself very gracefully, which is more than most people can say. It's more than I can even say. You take the things that happen and you handle them how you have to. What she said was pretty unforgivable, given the circumstances. I'm sorry you have to add that to the hurt you already feel over your horrible loss. Here's to hope. To change and to possibility.
ReplyDeleteThanks, lady. It was awful and I did the best I could in dealing with it all. Sometimes I wish I had spoken up and other times I am ok with just walking away. XOXO
DeleteHow cruel. I can't imagine ever saying that to someone after loss of a baby. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThank you. XOXO
DeleteI'm sorry for your heartbreak and losses. Being proud of a moment, especially a miraculous one such as pregnancy is never wrong. I'm glad you have your funny photo, I hope you still have it. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteI have it somewhere. Someday I will look back on it and be thankful for it. I doubt she can say the same about her words. Thank you so much for reading and your support. XOXO
DeleteI probably would have spit in her face. You are much more forgiving and lady-like than I am. I never had a miscarriage myself, so I can't possibly understand your struggle, but my sister went through quite a few miscarriages. She had issues carrying girls. If someone said that to my sister, I would have punched them in the face. I really really just want to jump through the internet and smack that girl for you and i'm really stuck on that thought right now that it's hard to move forward into the realm of I can't believe you let that piece of crap dictate your actions. You were afraid to get support from loved ones? You loved the support you received and one comment stopped you from getting it when you needed it again? I am so sorry you went through all that, but please PLEASE don't let the actions of a human being most people wouldn't define as human dictate how you embrace actual humans.
ReplyDeleteI would like to clarify I want to smack the girl because she KNEW when she made the statement and I don't see how a statement like that isn't intentionally malicious. I didn't read the part where she apologized for it either. Someone needs to give that broad a care bear stare.
It has been two years and I still have to fight the urge to freak out on her sometimes. Instead, I know that I acted in a manner that I can be proud of. Can she say the same about herself and her words? I doubt it. It was unforgivable. I have learned that she was the odd man out. I have received so much love and support that now, her insensitive words mean little to me. In time, they will mean nothing. What i will be left with is a whole lot of love. She will not be able to say the same, unfortunately.
DeleteThank you for the support. If she ever says another hurtful thing, I will let you know and you can unleash on her. Deal? ;)
I am so sorry. I was very surprised by how some of my friends reacted when I went through my four losses. I did not expect having to lose friends along with losing my babies. Sending love to you.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you experienced that. It is a very strange thing to have to cope with. I understand that it might be hard for people who have never experienced a loss like that but to turn their backs or act hurtfully, it is unacceptable.
DeleteBig love being sent right back to you. XOXO