Food.
Weight.
Body issues....
When I sat down to write this I didn't want to do it. I have struggled with food and body issues as long as I can remember. It feels like the dirtiest of my laundry and I wasn't sure I wanted to air that.
"Just remember, it doesn't have to be "deep,'" More Than Cheese And Beer reminded me.
So I tried. I tried to write something a little fluffier. I tried not to go so deeply into my confession. I tired to make it funny and light.
It did not work.
My issues with food and eating run so very deep that deep is all I can write about.
I remember being six years old and complaining to my mom about my underarm fat that showed when I wore my dance leotard. I probably weighed 40 pounds. I was tiny. There was no fat, just a crease in my skin. My mom did her best to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. I wasn't convinced. I worried.
As a teenager I was super thin. Underweight even but I couldn't see it. I ate like crap and didn't take care of myself. My body was a war-field. Me against myself. A fight for beauty and against the fat that I perceived to be there. An impossible war I could never win.
I settled into a routine of quietly watching what I ate and making sure the scale always stayed the same. Then, I found out I was pregnant. Everything changed. Something in my brain switched and I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. No guilt, no worries, no fat obsessed thoughts. My goal was a healthy baby and she could only be that way if I was a healthy mom.
I'd love to conclude this with: And I lived happily ever after with a healthier outlook on food and myself. I'd love to write that and leave. But it isn't true. It never will be. It is not who I am. I will fight to keep unhealthy thoughts away. I will struggle to balance my hatred for eating with my love of donuts. I will force myself to love the body I have, today. I will keep fighting because I have to be an example for my little girl.
Now, into my thirties I am dealing with actual physical repercussions of years of abuse to my body. Pain that is a reminder to be gentler on myself. A reminder that my body is not a fortress, able to withstand the abuse of war.
My confession: My issues with food, and myself, have eaten away at me.
This is the best Confession topic we've ever done. And I'm sobbing in the bathroom for all of us right now...
ReplyDeleteIt was tough for sure. <3
DeleteThank you for being here and participating every week. I know it can be painful, but I also think we're getting somewhere. I'm proud of you for sharing this. You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteThanks, lady! Thank you for pushing me every week. Thank you for reminding me why I write in the first place. XOXO
DeleteI love the raw honesty of these confession posts. Thank you for your transparency and bravery. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading. <3
DeleteVery brave to share this and I applaud your desire to be a good example for your daughter.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am still not sure I should have hit post but it is important to be honest. For myself and my kiddo. Thank you for reading.
DeleteI think everyone fights this battle to some extent. I almost wish I could feel more strongly about it, I feel like my body could use it more :) I know it's not about that and that's not how it works. But it would be cool if we could switch a little, so you could worry less and I could worry more :) wouldn't that be grand??
ReplyDeleteI do love the honesty of your writing. Great post. I did this, but a day late. Oy. And not nearly as well as you did!
Thanks, Joy. It is a struggle for sure, regardless of which direction it takes you.
DeleteI will head over and check yours out. Thank you so much for reading!