Exhausting.

There are people in my life that I will never please.

I will never gain their respect.

When our paths cross, I will know what they have said. They will be unaware. They will "play nice" and be chatty. I will excuse myself, leaving the conversation and the overly artificial niceties.

For so long I felt nothing more than anger. Anger towards them, that they would say and assume things about me, about my family that were not true. That they would feel as though it was ok to talk about me when I wasn't there to defend or explain myself. I carried that anger everywhere with me. That anger that was rooted in a deep disappointment.

Carrying that kind of weight, for so many years, is exhausting. It drains a person. It was a slow leak in my soul. Leaving me feeling heavy and drained. It was time to do something about it. It was time to move forward instead of dragging the past behind me like a dead weight.

I forgave. What they said was unforgivable. Their actions, hurtful. But I forgave anyway. I took a step back and made a realization. It was never about me. I was just an easy target. It was always about them. About their insecurities and unhappiness.

For every fault they placed on me, they carried with them. Every wrong doing, they had done. Every insult was a slice of jealousy shining through the cracks in the armor they had built around them. I am not the person they were fighting. Their struggles are internal. I am simply the external manifestation.

So, I forgave. I moved forward, leaving them and their bitterness behind me. If they need to name their struggles, they can use mine. I know the truth. I have happiness. I have love. I will not allow them to take any of that from me. I have fought too hard to get to this place.

In addition to forgiving, I prayed. I prayed that they are able to look inside and make the changes they need to to find true happiness. To find a place where needing a scapegoat is unnecessary. I prayed that they acknowledge all the good and love that surrounds them and find that it is, in fact, enough. 

Choosing to hold on to the anger is easy. It is the easy way out. But it will drag me down and break me. It will exhaust me to the point that I can barely stand on my own. I refuse to allow it. So, I forgave. I took the road that required more work and persistence. I took the road that led me to feeling renewed. I took the road that led me to hold my head high and bask in the gratitude I have for the life I live.

There will always be people in my life that I will never please. I will never gain their respect. But they, they will always have my forgiveness.

Read more Sunday Confessions over at More Than Cheese And Beer.