A Loss For Words

 A person’s a person, no matter how small.
- Dr Seuss

"Well, maybe that'll teach you for posting "belly" pictures all over Facebook!"

Her words knocked the wind out of me. I felt like I had been kicked, right after being hit by a Mac truck.

I had just told her that I had lost the baby. That I was no longer pregnant. It took every ounce of energy I had to say the words. The words that were met with words that pierced.

I excused myself and headed home. Maybe she was right, I should have known. This was my fourth pregnancy and my third loss. It was all I knew.

But we were so excited, so hopeful. My belly had started to round slightly as the weeks progressed seemingly fine. I always showed early, this one was no different.

We "announced" the pregnancy with a hilarious photo of me and our then 18 month old daughter. It was supposed to be a sweet photo of her sitting above my tiny bump. Instead she arched her back, opened her mouth and let out a hell-hound howl just as my husband hit the shutter. The resulting photo was an upside down, angry baby and a laughing pregnant momma. It was perfect.

Until it wasn't.

We went in for a routine ultrasound. We would finally be able to see our baby. As the OB scanned his face contorted. The baby had stopped growing a few weeks earlier. It's little heart was barely beating enough to make a flicker. Our baby was fading and there was nothing anyone could do.

We mourned. I took the photo down and made a brief statement on my personal page. We started the process of un-telling our friends and family. All while scheduling me for surgery, my body was not letting the baby go. My heart wouldn't either.

The support and love we received kept us going. It lifted us when we were down. Sharing our good news had made going through the impossible, a fraction easier. When it all went wrong, we had people to turn to.

Except her. I thought she was my friend. I thought she would understand. I thought wrong. Her words cut into me so deeply that now, two years later, I still hear them when I see her.

Maybe, just maybe, she didn't mean them to hurt me. Maybe she didn't know what to say. Maybe, in her own way, she was trying to find levity and I wasn't ready to laugh. Regardless, it hurt.

I had another pregnancy that resulted in another loss after that. We didn't tell a soul except my doctor. I couldn't see another set of pitying eyes look at me and not now what to say, or worse yet, say the very very wrong thing. We grieved alone. Away from judgement and opinion.

Words have such a great impact. They can soothe and they can hurt. They can make what should have been a supportive moment between friends into something hurtful and awkward.

In the words of my mom, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." I have learned that this simple statement holds more knowledge than I ever gave it credit for. Words have the power to heal and they have the power to stay with someone for years, reminding them of a hurt so deep, it may never fully heal.

Choose your words carefully, you never know what they will do once released.

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
- A.A. Milne

For more Sunday Confessions head over to More Than Cheese and Beer

International Happiness Day

Today is International Happiness Day. WHAT A GREAT DAY!! Who doesn't want to be happy?

Right?

In honor of this I am turning my Thankful Thursday list into things that make me happy.

One in the same, really.

Here we go, in no particular order.

*Cadbury Creme eggs. Not just he deliciousness but also the fact they only come out at Easter. Easter is in Spring. Spring means Winter is over. I love sunshine.

*Flowers. Currently there are tulips residing in my house. They are little rays of sunshine and happiness.  Try to be grumpy next to a bright red tulip. I dare you.

*Fresh fruit. If I sit in the ray of sunshine that streams into my living room and munch on a juicy kiwi or apple, I can pretend that it is July. THAT makes me happy.

*Speaking of sunshine. Aaaaaahhhhh!!! So much happy that the sun is brighter and warmer these days.

*SPRING!!! Today is also the Vernal Equinox, the first official day of Spring. It snowed last night but it was that late Winter/ early Spring kind of snow that is super wet and heavy and melts as it falls. My eaves are dripping and I saw my lawn all last week. I am happy.

*Canada Geese. I live in New England and the weather is all sorts of unpredictable. The calander and weathermen are not accurate ways of telling when the seasons turn. The geese though, they never fail me. They head South  for the winter and return North for Spring. I can hear them passing over my house as I type this. That honking is the soundtrack to the change in the seasons. Never doubt the geese.

*My little family. My daughter and my husband. They are AWESOME. Seriously. I hope everyone who reads these words experiences a love like this. You deserve it.

*THIS:


There you have it. A list of gratitude and happiness for this International Day of Happiness - Vernal Equinox - SPRING!!!!

Have a post bursting with happiness and/or gratitude? Link up here!!!

I'm Just A Little Black Raincloud

Remember when I said that I am not perfect? That I have days when I eye the window, toying with the idea of jumping out and running away?

Welcome to today.

My patience is thin, my anger is near the surface and everything seems to be rubbing me the very wrong way.

I have that little black raincloud above my head, and that is ok. I am taking it as a sign that I need to slow down, take a breath. I am using it as permission to lay on the couch and catch up on television shows. I am allowing myself an extra cupcake.

Just try to tell me otherwise.

My no-good very-grumpy day will end soon. Tomorrow will better. I'll appreciate it and feel thankful for it.

Meanwhile, I am going to grumble on the couch, feeling a little under the weather and a lot prickly.

And that, that is totally and completely ok.

Just keep a wide berth and we should get past this unscathed.

Never Again

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go"

Let Her Go -Passenger

I am not going to tell you to cherish every minute of life. I am going to tell you that I do. 

Why?

Because I have lived through and seen the lows. I have watched what happens when life slips away, unnoticed and under-appreciated.  

People are left standing in the wake of tragedy or disappointment, with nothing to hold onto. With a short string of happy memories and a long string of complaints and wishing-it-had-been-different. 

This doesn't mean that I do not complain. I do. I am human. 

I have days that I eye the nearest window to escape and run away.

I am thankful for those days. Those are the days that make the good and brightness shine ever so brighter.

I lived amongst the darkness for so long. I didn't allow the light in. There was no balance. I missed out on so many moments. I was barely grateful for the breaths I took. The sun would rise every day and yet, I didn't care. I was so fixated on my own hardships, I didn't realized how incredibly blessed I was, I am.

I allowed myself to see the light. I focused on it while appreciating the darkness in which I had came. The chaos is welcomed because the calm is so much sweeter by knowing it. The warmth is so much more inviting when coming in from the cold.

So many people scoff at the idea of cherishing every moment. I see it this way, you can't have a rainbow with out the rain. There is no up without down.

"Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast"

Let Her Go -Passenger

I live my life with gratitude. Everything is a lesson. My hardships are my teachers. My darkness, my guide to the light. I will never again allow myself to loose sight of all that I have. I will live my life in balance.

I will not take shelter waiting for the storm to pass. Instead I will dance in the rain. 

See more confessions over on More Than Cheese and Beer

Too tired.

We were very busy today having all sorts of fun and adventures. It has left all of us exhausted. I am far too tired to write. Because of this and since it is my blog and my 31 day challenge, I declare today a day off. See you all tomorrow!!!

Day 16's Adventure.

I am tired. Bone aching tired.

My patience is thin. I feel like too little butter being spread across burnt toast.

I put off writing all day, knowing that my words would deceive my deeper feelings.

My impatience and exhaustion would translate to anger.

I am not angry.

I have a lot to be happy about, grateful for.

I decided to re-read my older posts.

That is where I found this.

A slice of Spring from last year.

It made me smile. I hope you enjoy it.

Until tomorrow....

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com/2013/05/adventure.html

Thankful Thursday II

It is Thursday again! Time for the second weekly Thankful Thursday list. I will include a link up at the bottom of this page again so you can share your posts of gratitude.

Without further ado, here we go!

1. Heat. I am so thankful for my warm house today. It is a very windy and very cold 10 degrees here today.

2. My heating pad. I have an awful lower back and it has been so painful recently. My magic clay heating pad works miracles.

3. Hope. No matter how dark it may get, I always seem to be able to hold onto to hope. Which correlates with number 4......

4. Optimism. I am SO thankful that I have grown into an optimistic person. I had to teach myself, learn this behavior. It didn't com natural to me but once I realized that I had so much to be grateful for and how good life can be, it came much easier. I see so many people getting in their own way with their pessimism. Makes me sad.

5. Opportunities. I am grateful for the opportunities I have been offered. Mamlode, Bon Bon Break, and Esteem Yourself have all contacted me in the past couple weeks. I don't even know what to say besides: THANK YOU!!

6. My dogs. They are the first to annoy me but also the first to make me laugh. The other night there was a crash in the night that sent my husband investigating and then to snuggle the kiddo. Our big boy dog happily slept next to me, keeping me safe and comforted. I am so grateful for the love they bring to this family.

7. Good friends. I don't have many, but the few I have are AMAZING. I adore them.

8. Family. I live a few tenths of a mile from my grandparents. I get to see them at least once a week. I am incredibly blessed to still have them in my life and even more blessed to have them so close.

What are you grateful for? Link up your post below or leave a comment with your most thankful thoughts.

XOXO

Spring

It is on its way. You can feel the shift in the air. The sun is warmer and the days are longer. 

I can't wait. 

Letting Go To Hold On

I had a revelation.

It wasn't earth shattering.

It didn't blow my mind.

It was a quiet, simple revelation. One that I needed and will continue to hold on to.

I spent a lot of time planning, day dreaming, and otherwise thinking about tomorrow. I was so swept up in this notion of being prepared for what the next day will bring that I realized I had missed today.

I had missed the thousands of tiny moments and details that made today amazing. I was blinded by the glowing promise of tomorrow, next month, next year.

Meanwhile, today, this moment, slowly went away, unnoticed, under appreciated.

Yesterday I did the same thing. I planned and scheduled. I prepared and I budgeted. I had hopes for the new day.

Today was that new day. The day I focused so much time on.

Instead of relishing it's arrival and enjoying every minute I had so painstakingly planned for, I started the prepping and planning all over again.

For tomorrow.

Which will never come. Instead it'll be just like today.

Unless I break the cycle.

Let go.

Focus.

Enjoy the moments that make today so good.

I will focus on the present. On the details all around me. I will appreciate all the day brings so that tomorrow can be appreciated, too.

I will let go of tomorrow so that I can hold on to today.

Celebrating The "Competition"

“Don’t worry, I NEVER read HER blog…”

Like some sort of pact, the speaker alludes to camaraderie. By not reading the “competition” she is somehow supporting you.

“That’s too bad! I do and she is fabulous!!” My answer is almost always left with a slack jaw gaze.

Wait, WHAT? You read your “competition” AND you enjoy it?

What kind of masochist are you?

Here is an insider secret: THERE IS NO COMPETITION. (At least not for most of us.) There is plenty of room for more writers! Always. My voice may not be the one that speaks to a reader. It may not be the one they relate to. There NEEDS to be more voices.

The mommy-wars have become so common place that it is assumed that anything that women are involved in, obviously, has to become a competition. But, what if, instead of competing, we are actually CELEBRATING?!

I belong to a handful of private groups. They are made up of all sorts of different writers. Everyone from the hobbyist to the published professional is represented. The common theme is celebration. Lifting each other up.

It is always more fun when you have friends to share the highs and lows with.

I refuse to compete with my fellow bloggers/writers. Instead, I celebrate our similarities, our differences, and everything in between.

I have a close friend who writes. She has a blog as well. We live ten minutes from each other and know a lot of the same people. Apparently there is some sort of misunderstanding that in order to support one of us; you have to boycott the other. They confess in hushed tones, not to worry, they don’t ever read the others work.

This is where it gets laughable. WE READ EACH OTHER’S WORK!! We share each other’s pieces and support one another. We celebrate our victories and comfort each other’s pitfalls. We are friends. That is what friends do.

Why does everything have to be a competition? Why must we turn our backs on one person in order to support another? I say reach out with both hands. Help to pull them BOTH up. Life is not all or nothing. Life happens amongst the grey, not in black and white.

Life is better when you have someone to count on. This is not a competition. This is a CELEBRATION. Enjoy it. 

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Celebrate.

I try to celebrate every moment.

The tough, the easy, the happy, the sad.

They all deserve celebration because they, when woven together, create a tapestry of my life.

When I look at the proverbial glass, I do not see one that is half full or half empty. I see a glass that is just right. A glass with history and room to grow. A glass that I can drink from and refill. I see possibilities.

I have days that are a challenge to celebrate. Days I would rather run and hide. Days that I want to pull the dark cloud that hovers over me, down over my face and scream. Where the tears out number the laughter. Those are the days that need celebrating the most.

Those are the days that I take a deep breath and focus on what I have. I celebrate a supportive husband and a happy child. I celebrate a roof over my head and food to eat. I celebrate a life lived well lived. I celebrate the ability to cry without fear of judgment. I celebrate how far I’ve come and how far I will go. I celebrate knowing that the sun will shine again; it just might need some help from me.

I have not always celebrated every moment. I used to fight against them. Push so hard to distance myself from feeling anything at all. I built walls and hid so well, I couldn’t even find myself. I succumbed to the darkness, a place of no celebration. I hit a rocky bottom and realized I wasn’t living. I was barely existing.

It was a long climb out of that darkness. The path was not well marked. I had to forge my own trail. I slowly and carefully walked into the light of day. One step at a time, celebrating every small victory along the way.

Frequently you are told to never look back. March on and do not wallow in the past. I disagree. I am my past. My present and my future as well. I not only look back, but I celebrate where I have been, what I have been through, and where I am going. This is my story, my journey; I have to celebrate it fully. No one else will, it is up to me.

I will always celebrate. Gratitude is my theme and celebration a means to acknowledge all that I am thankful for. It is a deeply personal celebration that I chose to share through my words.

Not everyone will understand. They will move along, looking for more snark, less feelings.

And you know what? That is ok. I write for ME, as part of MY celebration. Nothing will stop me from being grateful for every moment of every day, even the moments that bring me to my knees. Those moments, I celebrate more. They are the ones that make me grow and become a better person. There is no wrong way to celebrate, this is they way I chose.

Yesterday, as I walked down the sidewalk, towards the bookstore in which my beautiful family was running amok, I had a moment of pure, simple, happiness. The sun was warming my face for the first time in months. Laughter filled the air as people emerged from their winter hibernation. The smell of melting snow and fresh mud wafted through the air. The feeling of hope and renewal and CELEBRATION was visceral. I had to fight back tears of happiness.

Every moment deserves a celebration. Life deserves to be celebrated. Find the reasons in every simple moment. Shift your focus. It’ll all become clear and when it does, it is beautiful. 

For more Sunday Confessions head over to More Than Cheese and Beer

Online On My Mind

“Don’t forget your helmet!”

I can remember my mom yelling that after us as we tore out of the house for the day. Her reminder was her way of protecting us as we headed out into the world. She had talked to us about strangers and how we should never, under any circumstance, get into a car with someone we didn’t know. She taught us our phone number and address in case we got lost. She taught us to scream at the top of our lungs if we were in trouble. She did all this to keep us safe.

I figured when I had kids I would do the same. After our daughter’s second birthday I started teaching her our last name, the town we lived in, and mommy and daddy’s first names. I did what I thought was the basics of protecting her, keeping her safe. Then, I stumbled across an article. It was about a man who was stealing photos of  children from parenting pages on Facebook. Pages JUST LIKE MINE.

The article never said if he ever did anything unsavory with the photos other than sharing them as his own. But it got me thinking and honestly, freaked me out.

I already don’t use my daughter’s name out of respect for her privacy. I decided to take down any photo that showed her face. I removed them from this column, my blog and my Facebook page. I am not one to become paranoid, but the idea of people with less-than-desirable-intentions scared me. It brought out my mama-bear instinct.

I never thought that I would have to protect my child from the internet. I grew up in a time where we didn’t even have a computer at home. There was no need for it. I am in uncharted waters and am surrounded by sharks. I am trying to walk the line between embracing technology, acknowledging the need for it and protecting my most valuable asset. My daughter.

To compound an already challenging issue, we also have to teach manners. Online manners. In addition to the “pleases” and “thank yous” in person, I need to teach my daughter what is appropriate online behavior.

Someone throw me a lifesaver, these waters are rougher than I thought.

If I take a step back and look at the situation I can see that the two things are related. Online manners and online safety share a common ground. You can’t teach one without the other. I got this. I hope.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” She asks as I upload a photo of her for my Facebook page. “Why is there a heart over my face?”

I take this as a chance to start the 21^st century conversation. “Your face is covered because I don’t want everyone knowing what you look like, Peanut.” I keep my answer simple and factual. I don’t want to scare her and the complexities that I struggle with would surely confuse her 3-year-old brain.

“Like strangers?” She asks.

“Yes, sweetie, like strangers.”

“My face has a heart on it cause we need our privacy, right?”

Maybe she understands this better than me.

“Right!” I answered. She smiles at me, kisses my cheek and runs off to play.

I uploaded the photo and skimmed through my newsfeed. I am constantly shocked by the lack of social graces social media has. When did it become ok to say awful things about other people? When did it become acceptable to use four letter words as a comma? And, where, oh where, has all the punctuation gone?

So, not only will we have to teach our daughter how to be safe online but we will also have to teach her etiquette.

The water just got WAY deeper.

Respect, conducting oneself with integrity, and honesty translate to the cyber world. But somehow it all gets lost in that translation. Social interactions online should be no different than in the real world. Simple rules like, never say anything online that you wouldn’t say to the person’s face, don’t put up photos that you wouldn’t hang in public, and never post anything that you wouldn’t announce in the middle of a busy downtown. These are the things we will have to teach our daughter. All it takes is one bad decision, one inappropriate photo and the ramifications could last a lifetime.

We are living in a world where our kids are growing up in cyber-space. Instead of yelling, “Don’t forget your helmet!” so we know they are being safe in the neighborhood, we will say things like, “Don’t forget to friend me!” so we can make sure they are being safe online. Times are changing and change can be good, if you are prepared. I have my dingy, my life vest, and a whole lot of shark repellant.

I’ve got this. And if I don’t, I’ll Google it.

Wall.

Today is the 9th day of my 31 day writing challenge and I have hit a wall.

The screeching of the tires and the impending crunching sound of the impact is making me cringe.

I saw it coming. 31 days without a single blocked day is a lot to wish for.

Eight is what I got.

Here we are.

Day nine. 

Wordless.

I have a lot of ideas, thoughts, and feelings swirling in my head but do not have the energy it takes to release them.

So instead, I am waxing not poetically enough about being blocked.

Smashed into this wall.

The one that stands between my brain and my keyboard.

I tried to write something else.

It was junk.

It did nothing.  Meant nothing.

So I pressed the delete key and started over.

Decided to write about this nothing instead. About being blocked.

Smashed up against the wall, like a literary pancake.

Maybe tomorrow, the words will come back to me.

Until then......

Thankful

I have decided to take up Thankful Thursdays. I have seen several incarnations all with the same goal: take a moment and reflect on what you are thankful for.

Sounds right up my alley.

I am going to do ten, mostly because I am a sucker for alliteration. 

I don't want this to be just about me. So, either post your own gifts of gratitude in the comments or add your post to the link up below.

Now, let's do this!!

1. My life. I know that is a broad subject but this is my list, so I can do what I want. I am grateful for the life I live. My husband and I have built this life ourselves. We will continue to work our asses off to better ourselves, each other and out lives.

2. My husband. He is supportive and encouraging and understanding. He is an AMAZING parent and doesn't mind washing dishes. He loves me NO MATTER WHAT. Seriously, I ask him all the time, "Would you still love me if [insert ridiculous scenario here] happened?" He never hesitates to laugh at me and say yes. Of course.

3. My daughter. We struggled to conceive her and have struggled to conceive another. We have experienced more loss than life. We gave up. She was conceived. Easy. She is the rainbow after our storm. She is our everything.

4. Coffee and chocolate peppermint non-dairy creamer. Seriously, do I really need to explain?

5. My ability to write.

6. The opportunities that just keep on coming to further my career as a writer.

7. You. For reading and supporting my dreams.

8. Donuts. Just like #4, no explanation needed.

9. Sunshine. I live in the North East. It is March. Sunshine is a gift. A much needed and yearned for gift.

10. Laughter. My daughter's, my husband's, my own, and yours. There is little that laughter can't
 soothe.

What are you grateful for? What makes you feel thankful?

An InLinkz Link-up

I'm Insecure....

Are you?

I bet you are. We all are in some way or another. Today I am guest posting over on The Insomniac's Dream, talking about my top 5 insecurities. Head over there and enjoy!!

SEE MY POST HERE!!

Hug.

I planned to start doing a weekly Wordless Wednesday post. Share a photo or image from the previous week. Traditionally there would be no words, just an image. However, I am a writer, asking me to not post words is like asking me to not breath. I could try but it wouldn't end well. So, I decided to do a Less Words Wednesday post instead. I will let the image do most of the talking. Most.

"But, Michelle, it is only Tuesday!"

I know, I know. But this week I am guest posting over on The Insomniac's Dream on Wednesday. I figure this is my site, I can do what I want.

Without further ado, I present Less Words Wednesday (on a Tuesday).

____________________________________________________________________________________________

My husband was away for work for a week. This is the moment he came home. It is amazing how much a hug can soothe.

A huge thank you to my incredibly talented husband for letting me use his illustration. He is currently chronicling his life with a drawing every day. Check out more HERE.

Assuming Happiness

Can I complain for just a moment?

I don't mean to slide down this chute of negativity. I try to avoid this place. I try to live my life from a place of gratitude and happiness. I try to listen well and assume nothing. However, I am not perfect. I, like everyone else, am imperfect. My patience seems to be waning when it comes to a few select comments I have been hearing with increasing frequency.

This is my space. My safe little corner of the internet that I should feel free to vent on. That being said, here it goes.

If one more person says any of the following, I may start twitching.

 "Oh, you think that is hard/easy/fun, just wait until ___________. You won't think that anymore."

What is wrong with right now? Why do I have to "just wait?" Can't I enjoy this moment? I can't I bask in the glow of today? If I was always living for the future or "just waiting," when, exactly would I live and enjoy it? No mater the intent behind the phrase, a little part of me revolts every time I hear, "Just wait....."

or

"You think one kid is hard, try two (three, four, how many ever)."
 
No matter how many kids I have, rough days are rough days. 1 or 10, I am allowed to have my feelings. The number of kids I have doesn't disqualify them. I understand that having 4 children is hard. I grew up with 3 siblings. My mom did it mostly on her own. Do not assume that because I am the mother to only one kiddo, I have no idea what your life is like.

or

"When are you having more kids? You don't want yours to be an only, right?"

How do I say this nicely? Mind. Your. Own. Business. For real. You do not know my story. You probably do not know that while you may only see one happy little girl standing in front of me, I have been pregnant 5 times. That is 4 other little souls that belong to me. So, no, we didn't want her to be an only child. I know you didn't mean to, but you inadvertently brought up a painful and sensitive topic. 

Everyone has a story. Chances are, we don't know their full story, the details that when combined make up a beautifully complicated person. It is better to not assume. Never assume. I have found, the moment I assume something, is the moment I am wrong.

Today is National Happiness Day. In honor of today I am going to focus on the good in my life. On the things that make me happy. Deeply happy. Soul smiling happy. I am going to let rude and uninformed comments roll of my back. I am going to smile and walk away. I am going to post this and be done with the grumbling.

But, before I do, I may just have to quote Katy of I Want A Dumpster Baby and say, "Every time someone says, "just wait until," a puppy dies. Why do you want puppies to die?"

Exhausting.

There are people in my life that I will never please.

I will never gain their respect.

When our paths cross, I will know what they have said. They will be unaware. They will "play nice" and be chatty. I will excuse myself, leaving the conversation and the overly artificial niceties.

For so long I felt nothing more than anger. Anger towards them, that they would say and assume things about me, about my family that were not true. That they would feel as though it was ok to talk about me when I wasn't there to defend or explain myself. I carried that anger everywhere with me. That anger that was rooted in a deep disappointment.

Carrying that kind of weight, for so many years, is exhausting. It drains a person. It was a slow leak in my soul. Leaving me feeling heavy and drained. It was time to do something about it. It was time to move forward instead of dragging the past behind me like a dead weight.

I forgave. What they said was unforgivable. Their actions, hurtful. But I forgave anyway. I took a step back and made a realization. It was never about me. I was just an easy target. It was always about them. About their insecurities and unhappiness.

For every fault they placed on me, they carried with them. Every wrong doing, they had done. Every insult was a slice of jealousy shining through the cracks in the armor they had built around them. I am not the person they were fighting. Their struggles are internal. I am simply the external manifestation.

So, I forgave. I moved forward, leaving them and their bitterness behind me. If they need to name their struggles, they can use mine. I know the truth. I have happiness. I have love. I will not allow them to take any of that from me. I have fought too hard to get to this place.

In addition to forgiving, I prayed. I prayed that they are able to look inside and make the changes they need to to find true happiness. To find a place where needing a scapegoat is unnecessary. I prayed that they acknowledge all the good and love that surrounds them and find that it is, in fact, enough. 

Choosing to hold on to the anger is easy. It is the easy way out. But it will drag me down and break me. It will exhaust me to the point that I can barely stand on my own. I refuse to allow it. So, I forgave. I took the road that required more work and persistence. I took the road that led me to feeling renewed. I took the road that led me to hold my head high and bask in the gratitude I have for the life I live.

There will always be people in my life that I will never please. I will never gain their respect. But they, they will always have my forgiveness.

Read more Sunday Confessions over at More Than Cheese And Beer.

Adventures In Solo Parenting: Letting Go.

The kiddo and I survived six days without my husband. Last summer it was four weeks. This summer it'll be three. Being a solo-parent is a lot of work. It is exhausting and lonely. It is also empowering and fun.

When Daddy is away, I am the bedtime routine ring leader, the booboo kisser, the nightmare chaser, the meal maker and snack hunter. At the end of the day my eyes are heavy and my head foggy. But, as I lay my head on my pillow, next to my sleeping little girl, I am grateful. Our daughter is amazing. I had the privilege of experiencing another day with her.

The mornings are early and the days are long, however, we got through them. The challenging moments I approached with levity. Meltdowns turned to giggle fits with the simple phrase, "Do I need to eat your nose now?" Bed time protests were eased by being tucked into my bed, with extra snuggles and a story.

I refused to allow stress to ruin our week. I could have easily wallowed in my lonely sadness but what good would that have done? Especially, when there were pictures to draw, museums to play in, and lunch dates to be had. In the words of a certain Disney princess, I let it go.

I let go of how I thought the week should go and just went with how it went.

I let go of sadness and realized an opportunity to spend time with my favorite little girl, without having to share her,

I let go of the dread and saw an opportunity to challenge myself and grow.

I let go of fear and became a better parent, person, because of it.

Of course, we had tough moments. We didn't, however, let the define our week. Our week was defined by late night snacks in bed, giggles at newly found cartoons, smiles over boardgames and the sound of laughter while cooking dinner together.

I am so happy to have my hubby home. I am grateful for all that he does as a parent and as my husband. I am also grateful for the chance to learn and grow while he was away.

More than anything, I am grateful for a daughter as awesome as we have.

Milestones.

Here we are, day 2/31 of my self imposed post-a-day challenge. I woke up with a full blown head cold and the thought of trying to form a cohesive post seemed impossible. But that is what this is about, right? Challenging myself. If it was easy, it wouldn't be a challenge. At least that is what I am telling myself.

This morning, as I grumbled and sniffled though breakfast and coffee making, I noticed something. My tiny little 3.5 year old didn't seem so tiny. Her round, chubby, toddler body had stretched, seemingly overnight, into a tall and lean preschooler. Her clumsy fingers of yesterday were nimbly lifting levers and pushing buttons while she helped me to make coffee. Diaper changes had been replaced with independent potty breaks. Snugly moments of nursing had somehow become helping herself to a snack from the fridge.

I blinked back tears as I texted my husband, 1,700 miles away on business.

I got to thinking about all the milestones our daughter has hit recently. Milestones no one really talks about a whole lot.

-Graduation form toddler sizes to "big kid" sized clothes.

-No longer needs me to hold her on the potty or use a potty seat anymore. Going potty all by herself. No asking, prompting or suggesting. (The only alert I have is her calling for me to come help her wipe.)

-Can use my iPhone to call her daddy.

-Can answer a phone and hold a semi-normal conversation.

-Eats soup with a spoon and orders her own food at a restaurant.

-Cleans up her own messes, changer her own clothes, brush her own teeth, and wash her own hands.

-She falls asleep on her own, without nursing or rocking or being held.

-Frequently sings along with the radio, and uses the right words.

-She can (and does!!) entertain herself for hours. HOURS.

These are little things that suddenly feel really huge. These are the connections between first steps and first day of school.

"Want me to make you some more coffee, Mommy?"

And with that one question I am snapped out of my nostalgia. My husband was right. She is supposed to grow up. We are doing a great job. She is amazing.

And now, she makes coffee.